Am I a control freak?

chocolate bread pudding with pears and maple whipped cream

Life's been a bit nuts lately, which explains the month-long absence from the blog. I recently read this funny article by one of my favorite writers, Tracy Moore, in which she argued that it's a myth that you lose your identity when you become a parent. What you lose is precisely your time. That's it. The time just goes out the window when you are the parents of a young child. Somehow, the things you used to do in your free time, things you loved and that formed your identity and made you who you are become the very things you no longer have time for. For me, those things are riding my road bike, listening to and discovering new music, reading, traveling and entertaining.

To say that it's been hard keeping up a blog is an understatement. I don't have time to cook much of anything lately, and I don't have time to write about it even if I did. But let's stop complaining, shall we? And move on to what I have been doing: work and June.

On the June front, things have been great, if trying at times. My girl certainly has a strong and independent personality (wonder where she got that?) and has no problems letting us know what she wants and doesn't want. Her verbal abilities and ease with expressing herself never cease to amaze us. The other day she asked me "what's a sacrifice?" because she'd heard me use the word in conversation. Then on Sunday she told me quite clearly: "Mom, I'm so happy you're home. I love the weekends." My heart melted.

And she recently decided that, despite the false start several months ago and then her stubbornness about the whole thing, she is in fact ready to get out of diapers. She pulled her pants down and squatted at the playground the other day after she'd seen her friend go pee in the bushes. That must have made an impression because she rode all the way home in her wagon diaper-free (but with pants on) and when we got home she proceeded to go potty all by herself. She earned two stickers on her sticker chart and now we're on a roll. (I'll spare you the details). But it is an accomplishment --for both of us. For her, it means she's that much closer to wearing her 'big-girl underpants' like her potty-trained older friends, and for me, it means I soon will not have to wash diapers or fight with her to change them all day long. This is huge. But it also means my little girl is growing up.

At work I've made some discoveries, some mistakes and some bread pudding. A lot of bread pudding. If there's one thing I've learned it's that people love them some custardy, baked bread in this town. They also love anything fried and not that healthy. Which is why my two favorite desserts on the menu right now have been under-selling (the apple crostata and the zucchini cake) in favor of the two more decadent desserts: the chocolate pot de creme and the ricotta doughnuts.

I knew that trying to do things like seasonal fruit-filled, rustic pastry (the crostata) and unusual flavors that combine savory and sweet, citrus and spice (like the cake) might be a challenge. But I will persevere. I am planning to replace the zucchini cake (which people love when they go out on a limb and try it) with something pumpkin for fall. And I am hanging on to the crostata for now (I've switched from peaches to apples), hoping I can still make people love it. I am getting tired of the old pot of chocolate, but people seem to like it and I've gotten pretty good at making it now.

Speaking of which, I made a double batch of them one day like I usually do (that's over 40 jars) and for some reason I'll never know, they didn't set up properly after hours of chilling. Maybe my egg yolk count was off, maybe I took it off the heat too soon, who knows? But when I went to check on it before leaving for the day, it was still in liquid form, not the pudding -like consistency I was looking for. So the next day I was forced to come in on my day off and fix the problem. I wasn't about to throw out all that good chocolate and cream. First I tried pouring them all back into a pot and re-heating it, with a few extra egg yolks thrown in. I'd done some research and a few people claimed it worked. It did not work.

So I decided to try my first attempt at bread pudding. It was already halfway there: melted chocolate, heavy cream and eggs. I poured it over stale bread that I'd cut up and let it sit for 30 minutes. I poured that into ramekins and baked them for an hour. Then I made a peacan-bourbon-caramel sauce and served it warm with the sauce spooned over the top.

 It was a big hit. And I was pleased with myself for taking a mistake and turning it into something even better. I also learned I have to test my pudding  for consistency every time by putting a spoonful on a plate and into the fridge before pouring the whole batch into jars. If, after a few minutes, it doesn't move when the plate is tilted, it's good to go. If not, go back on the heat immediately. With pot de crème, like any custard, it involves a delicate balance between enough heat to thicken (the yolks are the only thickening agent), but not too much or the chocolate will scald. This is why such things can't just be cranked out haphazardly and quickly. They take some amount of focus and patience. This is not for everyone. And it's why I like making desserts. I like the concentration and the figuring out what went wrong and the satisfaction when something finicky turns out great.

I hope I can continue to be somewhat of a perfectionist with my product. I may drive the guy crazy whose job it is to plate my desserts. He may tune me out every time I tell him something that seems unimportant or obvious. I'm not trying to make his life harder. I'm just trying to ensure that the work I do each day to make a quality product is followed through with some care and attention at the back end just before the dessert makes it out to the table.

If the whipped cream is two days old it won't taste right. If the cake has not been sprinkled with powdered sugar before going out, it will look unfinished. And if the bread pudding is too hot you won't taste the different flavors. I have been struggling a bit with trying not to be too much of a control freak. But then I also think that perfectionism produces a great product and it's better to be a little bit of a freak when it comes to making things great. Someone has to care about dessert. After all, it's the last impression a diner has of the whole experience that preceded it. It shouldn't be treated as just an afterthought.