When things fall apart...

Patsy and Paul Ramirez

Let's just say I come by it honestly. Patrocinio "Patsy" Ayala-Ramírez, my grandmother on my dad's side, was a feisty Mexican lady who endured economic hardships as an immigrant, domestic hardships as a wife and mother of four, social hardships as a divorcée at a time when most women didn't do that, and she always came out on top. At least in my eyes. I looked up to her. I miss her.

The stories in our family are many that involve one of us standing up for what is right or defending ourselves against people who are taking advantage or otherwise wronging us only to lose out on a job, a promotion, an opportunity, a friendship, but with our principles and pride intact.

My dad ended up in Las Vegas with his young family in tow in 1973 partly because of the great opportunities in a growing town, but also because he couldn't get another job in his hometown of Pueblo, Colo. He had been working for the city government on a program to help minorities land jobs, but when the jobs all seemed to be going to "other" candidates, he blew the whistle and was fired. He responded by promptly suing the city--and won. Thus, he was deemed a "trouble-maker" and unemployable. I could not be more proud of this story.

I don't know when I'll learn that people are fallible and don't always live up to my high expectations of them and that it's okay. Not only is it okay, but it's irrelevant. I don't have to fight every battle, right every wrong, vindicate myself on every issue or prove anything to anyone. Not even to myself.

I have had a tough set of challenges lately, seemingly coming at me from all angles--work, friends, frenemies. Whatever it is the universe is trying to teach me, I am either too dense to get the lesson or too stubborn to try.

But in order to wake up, I have to feel the short term pain of seeing myself doing this yucky thing in order to be free of it.

The above is a quote from one of my favorite Buddhist teachers, Pema Chodron. I re-read her slight but heavy little book "When Things Fall Apart" about every two or three years. Why do things seem to always be falling apart in one way or another? Perhaps I am drawn to Buddhist teachers and thinkers because of its foundational tenet that life is full of suffering (samsara) and it's only our reaction to it that matters. This is so central to my experience. It never fails. I am always being faced with ways to keep learning this lesson.

Again, from Pema:

Really the question you have to ask yourself is: Do you want to spend your life making your habits and patterns stronger? Or do you want some kind of transformation to happen? — so that your strength and your confidence and your capacity to love and to care for people can begin to surface— you're not always blocking it. 

I want the latter. I really do. I want the transformation to happen. I want to take what I can from every negative experience or interaction with people to make myself better able to deal with those interactions in the future. I am not perfect. Far from it. I have too much of my granny and my dad's pride and principled, opinionated blood. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I know that my little girl is learning from me to be her own person, to know right from wrong, to stand up for herself (when she will inevitably be faced with adversity) and to be proud of herself and where she came from. She'll be a fiery one too, no doubt about it. She already is. But hopefully with a good dose of her daddy's equanimity and patience.

But sometimes I just wish things would be a little easier. I want to remember these early childhood years of hers which are so precious --free of any crap that may be going on in my life. I want to recommit to being with her and really interacting with her on her level, everyday, when time allows, and not just being distracted with whatever challenges may be going on in my life. This time flies by so fast. I want to cherish it more than I do when life just gets in the way.

On that note, here are some priceless words that have come out of my little fiery angel's mouth lately:

"You're a good mommy to me."

"You smell simply great."

(getting ready to go out in the cold) "Let's get all bungled up."

Me: "Can I come to the park with you?"  J: "No." Me: "Why?"  J: "Because I don't like you."


"I love you my best heart."

 And there it is. Right there. That is what my life is about right now and that is what I live for. Jobs and even friends will come and go. But my family will always be there for me. I am lucky to have so many people around me (including a strong network of friends) to support me when things get tough. And, taking the best and the worst from those who came before me, I can only do my best and do everything with honesty and integrity and not look back.


 

Wanted: more fun.

It is hard to believe January is almost over. So far 2013 has been a bit rough around the edges.

We rang in the new year in our p.j.s on the couch, not even feeling festive enough to watch the ball drop on t.v. I came down with a nasty cold and went to bed after sharing one glass of Prosecco with my husband and two friends who stopped by. It was about as uneventful as a New Year's Eve could be, bringing to mind the last couple of them since having a child, equally calm and starting to look like a trend. It's not like I long for the days of partying in bars (well, I wouldn't mind going back to the times I spent December 31st in a ski resort ) but, in general, life has become more staid and less fun. Thus, I am making a commitment to myself and to my family this year to have more FUN.

That being said, we are not off to a good start. The week before Christmas the Parents Day Out program where we had been sending June two days a week for the last year and a half simply imploded. Our beloved teacher got fired under murky circumstances and what had been a lack of confidence in the school's director turned into full-fledged incompetence. So I do what I usually do when faced with a crisis: look for a way to solve it and move on. We fortunately found June a spot at the Montessori school in our neighborhood and we were lucky that she just barely made both the age cutoff and the no diapers cutoff (Yay! potty trained!)

Uncle Chris came to visit us for Christmas

After what seemed like an interminable holiday break (and a nice, quiet Christmas) and much talking up and preparing for the new school, her start date of Jan. 14th finally arrived. She went for just half day as they like to phase in new students slowly. She came home, took a long nap and woke up with a fever. Bummed, but optimistic her little immune system would prevail, I put her to bed early thinking she would be fine to go by the next day. But she wasn't. And not the next day either. She was sick. We juggled staying home with her and working, trading off according to whom had what to do.

On top of it, it was as gloomy last week outside as it was inside. No sun, rain turning to freezing rain (what ever happened to snow??) and then more of the same. For five days straight. Or it could have been more. I lost count. And it seems everyone I know is sick. Sick kids, sick parents, sick dogs.

We are better now, thankfully.  Everyone's healthy and ready to start a new week. We have the lunch basket ready to go and we will try this new school thing again.

And, in other hopeful news, there's a new baby across the street who came three weeks early but he's healthy and strong and our friends are doing well. I've been cooking for them and doing their laundry this weekend as their house is inconveniently under construction and they have no washer and dryer. I love cooking for people when they need the help, especially when it involves a new baby. I've been doing a lot of that lately. Babies are everywhere in our circle of friends and neighbors. It makes me realize we live in a wonderful neighborhood where everyone knows and cares for each other and our kids will grow up being friends. There are other places I'd rather live sometimes, but I know we have a great community here, good friends and a lot to be thankful for.

I am hopeful for this new year and the fresh start it allows me. I'm very excited for this next phase for June too --starting a 'real' pre-school, in a class with older kids where she'll be challenged and hopefully supported and loved everyday. And even though we are starting pre-school a little earlier than planned, she's ready for the challenge.

I'm also relieved because she will go to school an extra day per week which will give me time to... breathe. And maybe go to the gym again, get healthy, get back to my writing, look for new horizons, meet a friend for coffee, the options seem endless. I'm giddy at the thought of having one partial day to myself --no work and no mothering. Ahhhhhh.

Daniel has some new possibilities to grow in his career this year too. And my job is changing, evolving... but I continue to like the place and the people I work for. Sometimes it's too much and it's hard to get everything done and still find the joy in doing it. I've been too busy lately to look up and figure out if I love it anymore or if I am just going through the motions, like an uninspired-robot-pastry chef. Or whether I am living up to my full potential for a satisfying career and the right balance of work and motherhood. I intend to figure that one out too.

It's unlike me, I know, but I feel pretty optimistic lately. And, although we have our ups and downs like most people, there is so much love in our little house. Since she's been sick June has been extra snuggly and affectionate. When she throws her little arms around my neck, gives me kisses and says "Mommy?" Yes. "I love you," I want to melt and cry and thank my lucky stars to be where I am today. I know I complain a lot and I am the worst at finding the grass is always greener somewhere else. And that's when I look up at the mantra I copied years ago that sits on my desk and repeat it: "Be happy with the life you're actually living." 

Happy new year and--let's have more fun!